


Damaged Goods

by K9Block



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M, Falling In Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-30
Updated: 2015-04-08
Packaged: 2018-03-20 09:25:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3645189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/K9Block/pseuds/K9Block
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How do you come back from the edge of everything?<br/>Can someone so damaged by what life has done to them ever be healed and truly happy?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapters One and Two

Damaged Goods

Chapter One

It had all started coming back slowly at first. Her therapist had called it hidden or repressed memories but now what she was remembering had left her crying, shaking and lying on her bathroom floor having been violently ill. She knew she should get up and go and lie down properly on her bed but she didn’t have the strength to do that and she let herself slip away as she had done all those years ago.

20 years ago she hadn’t expected to live and now as she gradually came back to her senses she wasn’t sure if she was happy that she had been saved. 

Finally she rolled over and managed to rock herself onto her knees before she hauled herself up and slowly made her way to her bedroom. It was dark now, it had been light when she’d lain down on the bathroom floor but she had no desire to know what the time was and at that moment she couldn’t even remember what day it was. Since she had been signed off sick what time it was or even what day it was had ceased to matter. The only thing that mattered was seeing her therapist and she’d receive a text message about that appointment a few hours before she was due to be there. That was the only way she’d remember to go; she’d missed so many appointments in the beginning that she’d been in danger of losing her place on the programme but fortunately her doctor had seen her need and had found a way to remind her.

She lay one her bed on her side and drew her knees up to her chest, she was hugging herself and making herself as small as possible; she didn’t want to be noticed, she wasn’t sure she even wanted to exist anymore but her doctor would tell her there was always something to live for and she hoped she was right, there had to be more than this living hell she currently found herself living in. 

For the millionth time since this whole thing had begun she tried to understand why she had repressed what had happened in the first place. How had her family let her bury the truth until it had bubbled up unwanted and unbidden and how did someone, anyone repress that?

Her shoulder ached where she was lying on it so she moved to lie on her back and pulled the comforter up over herself. She’d need to take a shower before going to sleep properly. She was sure she’d probably messed her hair or her clothes up when she’d been sick but she could peel the comforter off later and wash it with her clothes leaving her sheets relatively clean. 

Her shoulder grumbled at her again and she fingered the scars gingerly. It was well healed now and the actual scars gave her no pain. She had believed for many years that the scars and pain were a result of a childhood accident. It was as if her brain had come up with a reason for them being there and for whatever reasons no one had thought it wise to correct her. Given the mess she was in now perhaps they’d been right. She shook her head, no, if she had been put right as a child perhaps she’d have been able to deal with it better. She couldn’t know that of course as that route had been denied her by her well-meaning but distant family. She wondered if that had changed when she had as well. She had memories of being a happy and well-loved child when she was small. If she closed her eyes now and remembered her bedroom in the house she had grown up in it had been very pink and very floral. The headboard of her bed had been pink with the three letters of her name, Zoe, embroidered into it in a darker shade of pink. Even her name gave her cause for pause now; Zoe, it meant life or alive and she felt anything but that now.

They’d moved away after it had happened, she knew that now. A new start in a new area where no one knew their story and no one talked about it. It was taboo, so much so that it had become buried deep in her subconscious and only a recent accident that had caused a flare up in her shoulder pain had brought it back to the surface.

No, not now. Have that shower and then sleep Zoe, she told herself. She did just that throwing the comforter to the floor and peeling her clothing off where she stood before moving back to her bathroom and without turning the light on she quickly showered and washed her hair. After towelling herself dry she found, again in the dark, some clean pyjamas and stepped into them before climbing back onto her bed and this time slipping under the covers. Go to sleep, she told herself; perhaps tomorrow will be better.

Tomorrow came too soon; she woke up sweating and panting and as she adjusted to the half-light that was coming in through her bedroom curtains she realised that a text message had woken her up. It was from her doctor, she had an appointment later that day. Well good. Perhaps today she’d tell her how and why she had forgotten being raped, shot and left for dead.

Chapter Two

Her stomach growled at her and she remembered losing her last meal. It was anyone’s guess as to when she had last eaten. Taking care of herself hadn’t been high on Zoe’s list of priorities lately. Nothing had. Not since the awful realisation of what had happened had hit her who knew how many weeks ago?

After using the bathroom’s facilities she padded downstairs and made herself a simple breakfast of toast with jam and a large mug of very strong and very black coffee. The bitter taste of the coffee countered with the sweetness of the jam satisfied her stomach and served to wake her up in a gentler manner than had the nightmare and the text message.

After eating she surveyed the mess that was her tiny kitchen and decided to at least make an effort and load the dishwasher up. That done she set it off and noted ruefully that she was very low on dishwasher detergent. After wiping a few surfaces she remembered her clothing on the floor of her bedroom upstairs and decided to strip the bed properly as well. As she had woken up sweaty she decided on another shower; that ought to please her doctor who was always on about her looking after herself.

After showering and dressing she put the clothes and bedding in the washing machine and noted she was short of washing powder as well. When had she last shopped? She had bread and milk but little else and resigned herself to attempting some shopping after seeing her doctor. She at last checked the time and was relieved to see she had little time left to kill before she could walk to her appointment and filled it by making a shopping list of sorts.

Armed with her shopping list and her handbag she stood at her front door and screwed up her courage. Leaving her home had become another issue but she had to leave it today. She had an appointment and she needed shopping. 

“Come on Zoe.” She was startled by the sound of her own voice. When had it become so weak sounding? Again she was struck by how much of herself she was losing little by little and day by day. This was not the life she wanted for herself and she was certain her family and the few friends who hadn’t given up on her would feel the same. She tried again, 

“Come on Zoe.” That sounded better. She put her hand on the door handle and took several deep breaths to steady her nerves before pushing down and opening the door. After closing it behind her she leant against it talking to herself again, 

“It’s going to be fine. A walk to the surgery and then the supermarket and then home. You can do this.”

She pushed herself off the door and was reminded that she was alive again by the pain in her shoulder. Should she mention that to her doctor? She wasn’t sure if she should but it was troubling her. 

She walked quickly keeping her eyes down and generally trying to go as unnoticed as she could. After she had arrived herself using the electronic device just inside the door she then seated herself in the corner and kept her eyes cast downward. 

The waiting room was busy with several small children playing on the floor; when one of the toys rolled and bumped against her foot she smiled gently at the child who crawled towards her and smiled that innocent gummy smile that only tiny children posses. When the Mother approached her and gently picked her daughter up she raised her eyes just high enough to acknowledge the Mothers apology. As the young woman moved away with her daughter in her arms she revealed one of the doctors standing in the doorway. Zoe’s eyes fell on him briefly before she quickly looked away. Even if he was slim and attractive with a friendly face and kind eyes he was still a man and they had proved themselves very dangerous to Zoe.

At last her name was called and she went into the consulting room with her doctor, a kind and softly spoken woman named Joanna Smith. As the door closed behind her Zoe felt herself relax, she liked Joanna and she felt safe alone in the room with her.

“Hello Zoe, how have you been feeling?”

Zoe shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“I think you do Zoe, tell me.”

“My shoulder hurts.”

“I will look at that shortly. How have you been feeling in yourself?”

“I’ve been having bad dreams and and… I was sick last night.”

“What do you dream about?”

“It hurts.”

“Your shoulder?”

Zoe nodded, “Yes and what he did to me it hurt.”

Joanna rose and walked around her desk, she indicated Zoe’s right shoulder, “May I look at it?”

Zoe nodded.

“Can you lift your t shirt over your head please?”

Zoe didn’t like undressing in front of anyone and she visibly paled.

“Just take your arm out of the shirt, you can keep it on that way but I do need to see the shoulder. I promise I’ll be as gentle as I can.”

Zoe nodded and did as she asked.

Joanna touched her skin lightly and maintained contact even when Zoe flinched away.

“Raise your arm please Zoe.” 

When she did as she asked Joanna continued probing, 

“Have you remembered what happened that day Zoe?”

“Some, ow! “

“Sorry. There is still some inflammation in the joint I can give you an anti-inflammatory that will ease it for you, two weeks’ worth should see it feeling much better. I’d tell you to rest it as well but that won’t be easy given that it’s your right shoulder and you’re right handed.”

Zoe nodded.

“You can put your shirt back on now. Some what?”

As she put her arm carefully back into her t shirt Zoe spoke, 

“I remember pain, burning. I remember fighting and he hit me across my face. I remember blood in my mouth…” Zoe gagged and Joanna produced a bowl from somewhere and held it under her chin.

“It’s OK take it slow. That’s a lot more than before. Do you remember anything else?”

Zoe took a deep steadying breath and shook her head.

“No I still don’t remember how I got those.” she nodded at her shoulder. “I mean I know how they happened but I don’t remember it.”

“Your brain has shut off that trauma to protect itself.”

“Are you saying I shouldn’t try and remember?”

“No. My professional opinion is that you need to remember but if possible I’d like to be with you when you do. Would you let me try and hypnotise you?”

“What now?”

Joanna shook her head, 

“No. That will require a longer session than we have today and you’ll need someone to take you home afterwards and stay with you too. It could be very traumatic. I’ll only proceed down that route with your full co-operation. Is there someone you could ask?”

“I don’t know… maybe. Can I let you know?”

“Yes you can but I can’t make an appointment unless they know about it. I’ll call you tomorrow afternoon after my surgery to see if you’ve found someone and then we can see when they might be free.”

“So soon?”

“Yes, you’re close to unlocking everything and like I said I don’t want you to be alone when that happens.”

Zoe nodded tightly; she didn’t want to be alone either. 

“I’ll ask them tonight. I’ll call them.”

“Well done.” Joanna meant it, she wasn’t being condescending. For Zoe to even contemplate making that call and taking the necessary steps towards regaining her memories in full was a big deal.

“I’ll call you tomorrow, Ok?”

Zoe nodded.

“Do you feel well enough to leave?”

She nodded again, 

“I’m fine now, thank you.”


	2. Chapters Three and Four

Chapter Three

As she stepped out into the sunshine Zoe dabbed gently at her eyes with a tissue. She didn’t want to cry but could feel tears pricking at the back of her eyes so was doing her best to forestall them. 

Slowly she picked her way down the street; she needed to shop and then she’d have to call Mary. Mary was her upstairs neighbour and the only person in recent years who she had confided in. Mary was newly retired and had heard her one day when she hadn’t been able to quieten the sobbing. She’d knocked on her door and hadn’t gone away until Zoe had opened it. Mary didn’t know it but she had saved Zoe’s life that day in a way that not even the man who had found her unconscious and clinging to life had. Ever since that day she had told her bits of what had happened. No one really knew exactly what had happened, not even Zoe herself knew that; she knew what she had been told, what had been pieced together from the evidence and her scant memories of that terrible day. Now she was going to possibly remember more than she ever had. She wasn’t even sure that she wanted to but Dr Smith seemed to believe it was important and she’d never steered her wrong before.

Without even realising it Zoe had walked to the supermarket and after selecting her trolley she pushed it around consulting her list as she went and selecting the things she needed to buy. She selected a small bunch of flowers… but then put them back, there was only her to see them so they seemed to be a waste.

When she had finished unpacking her trolley and repacking it into bags and had paid for her goods she was even more grateful that she’d put the flowers back; she had quite enough to carry as it was. She wasn’t driving any more as her medications often made her feel a little sleepy and she didn’t feel safe behind the wheel. Not for the first time she wondered if she should get her old bike out of the communal shed and see if it was still in a reasonable state. She had panniers fitted to it which would make shopping easier.

By the time she got home Zoe was feeling tired and hot and after putting away the perishable goods she sat down with a long glass of water and thought about how she could ask Mary. She supposed she should just come out with it. As she was sitting so quietly she could tell that Mary was at home; she wasn’t a noisy neighbour but if Zoe listened carefully she could hear her footsteps especially when they were both in their kitchens as was the case now. Mary was home so Zoe decided to make the call. After dialling she listened as Mary’s footsteps crossed above her and then she heard her questioning voice, 

“Hello?”

“Hello Mary it’s Zoe from downstairs.”

“Oh hello pet, how can I help you?”

That was so like Mary; always ready to lend her an ear.

“I do need a favour but it’s a pretty big one so if you don’t want to…”

“Stop trying to talk me out of it before you’ve asked me pet.”

Zoe smiled, she liked being called pet.

“Well OK. I went to see my doctor today, well my therapist and she wants to try something new, something that means I’ll need an escort home and someone to stay with me for a bit afterwards… and well I didn’t know how to ask.”

“Yes.”

“Yes what?”

“Yes I’ll do it. When is it?”

“Oh I don’t know yet. Dr Smith will call me tomorrow to sort out a time. Is there a time you can’t do?”

“No pet I’ll fit in with you. That’s the beauty of being retired and whenever it is afterwards I’ll cook for us both.”

“I don’t know how I’ll feel… she’s going to hypnotise me, try and take me back to see if I can remember... well you know.”

“However you are I’ll look after you pet.”

“Thank you.” whispered Zoe.

“Any time pet, really and if it takes more than one session I’ll come to the others with you as well.”

“You’re too good to me.”

“No I’m not. It’s nothing more than you deserve. You need to start believing that you deserve care and attention.”

“Mmm, anyway Mary, thanks for agreeing and I’ll let you know when the appointment is as soon as I do… which should be late afternoon tomorrow.”

“No worries pet. I’ll fit in with you.”

Zoe again said thank you again and then replaced the handset on its cradle. She sat very still for a long time trying to remember what had happened without the need for hypnotism or help from friends. It was some time later that she remembered that Joanna hadn’t wanted her to remember while she was alone and she tried to dismiss it from her mind. It wasn’t as if she had had any success anyway but now that her mood was low she couldn’t face cooking or doing anything at all. She stayed where she was, seated in her kitchen until it grew dark and when she realised she was sitting in the dark she left her shopping where it was and took herself to bed. Without eating a bite or changing her clothing or ever turning on a light to check the time she lay on her bed and tried to sleep.

Chapter Four

It was only when Zoe woke up that she realised she hadn’t even redressed her bed with fresh linen before lying down on it. She sighed at her own stupidity and put sheets on the bed as soon as she got up. 

“There.” she said aloud to the room, “There at least whatever happens today you’ll have clean sheets to lie in tonight.”

Her stomach growled angrily at her and she decided she really ought to try and have something to eat before showering. When had she last eaten? She tried to remember and decided it must have been yesterday when she’d first got up. No wonder she was hungry now it must be over 24 hours since then and that had been toast and jam with black coffee. Well she knew she had milk, a fresh box of cereal and bread and washing powder after her shop yesterday but she couldn’t remember what else she’d bought so she went downstairs to her kitchen and opened the fridge. It looked well stocked and she decided to try the cereal she had bought yesterday on a whim because it was new and had a fridge magnet attached to the box.

The magnet proclaimed in bright orange letters, ‘MAKE TODAY A BETTER DAY  
START IT WITH CRISPY RINGS.’  
That was the name of the cereal, Crispy Rings, not very original thought Zoe, but they did stop the ache in her stomach.

Once they were eaten she showered, brushed her teeth and dressed in clean clothes. When she looked at herself in the mirror the only things that told her story were the dark circles under her eyes and how thin she had become. She adjusted her blouse to try and hide the collarbones that protruded through her skin but it was no good, they were starkly visible. Gingerly she felt her shoulder and remembered that Joanna had given her an anti-inflammatory to take. 

After finding them she read the leaflet and was relieved to discover that she should take them after eating twice a day. They might even remind her to eat before she went to bed. She swallowed one and then decided to do a little cleaning and tidying up while she waited for that phone call from Dr. Smith. She shuddered at the thought of what they had planned to do but maybe remembering properly was the right thing to do. It had to beat this treadmill she currently found herself on. 

Trying hard to shake her feeling of foreboding she set to work on her small flat. It was a long time since she’d properly cleaned and although she found the work hard it was also strangely therapeutic. It was good to see something that was once grubby become clean and gleaming once again. Not for the first time Zoe wished that she was as easy to restore. If it was as easy as taking a shower and washing her hair she’d make looking after herself a priority again but she knew if it was that easy she’d have been cured when still a child. 

Once she was physically healed she’d become fastidious about cleanliness and she probably had the only teenage bedroom that a Mother would have been proud to show off to the neighbours. It used to be as spotless as she was and although her grades had suffered after the… incident… she managed to get enough passes to get into a decent secretarial college. After that her first job had been easy to come by. She’d saved hard; preferring her own company and her bedroom to going out and socialising so in short order she had been able to rent this flat and keep all of it as clean and tidy as she once had her childhood bedroom.

She worked without regard for the time and when her phone rang she jumped. It was Dr Smith and she spoke first.

“Hello Zoe how are you feeling today?”

“Um… I’m ok thanks.”

“What have you been doing?”

“Cleaning.”

“That’s good! Did you do what we spoke about the last time you saw me?”

“Yes, yes I did. Mary… my neighbour, she agreed to come with me.”

“Did you tell her you will need someone with you afterwards?”

“Yes I did, she’s retired and lives above me so she said she’d stay and cook for me.”

“That’s marvellous. Well done Zoe.”

“So when?” asked Zoe tentatively.

“I’d like as soon as possible, can you be here tomorrow at 3?”

“Tomorrow? So soon?” the anxiety was clear in Zoe’s voice.

“I think it’s for the best.” replied Joanne soothingly. “Will Mary be able to make it?”

“I think so… yes she said she’d fit in with me, with us I mean.”

“If you find she can’t call me back but I’ve cleared the rest of my appointments for the afternoon so we can have a proper try at this.”

“Thank you… I think.”

“It will be fine Zoe. I’ll send you a text in the morning… just to remind you. OK?”

“Yes, thank you but I can’t imagine I’ll forget this.”

“I’ll still send it, and I’ll see you at 3. Goodbye Zoe.”

“Goodbye….” Zoe was left holding the handset and decided to call Mary before she chickened out of the whole thing. The phone was answered on the second ring and Mary’s questioning voice spoke first, 

“Hello?”

“Hello Mary it’s me, Zoe.”

“Oh hello pet I was waiting for your call. You’ve been busy today!”

“Yes I have, did I disturb you?”

“No not at all. It’s lovely to hear the vacuum; it’s been a while pet… if you don’t mind me saying so.”

“I don’t mind and yes I know it has been but with my mood swings…”

“Now pet you don’t need to explain. I just meant that it was nice that you’re having a better day.”

“Thank you, yes I am and that’s why I’m calling, I thought it better to do it before I chickened out. Can you come with me to an appointment at 3 tomorrow? We’d need to leave at about half two I suppose.”

“I’m free pet. I’ll pop down and knock on your door at half past two then.”

“Thank you. I REALLY appreciate this.”

“I know you do and remember I said I’d look after you afterwards too. I’ll cook you a meal and we can eat together.”

“You’re very good to me Mary.”

“It’s nothing less than you deserve.”

“Thank you. I best finish this off so it looks half way decent as I am to have a guest tomorrow.”

“You know I’ll take you as I find you but as you’re in the mood I say go and finish up pet.”

“Thank you Mary. I will. Goodbye.”

“Goodbye pet. I’ll call on you at half two.” and they both hung up.

Zoe smiled. She had enjoyed herself. It felt good to put some order in her life and it also felt good to know she would have company tomorrow. With that thought in mind she busied herself with her flat again.


	3. Chapters Five and Six

Chapter 5

A text reminding her of her 3pm appointment was what woke Zoe up. For once she had slept well and not been disturbed by nightmares. As she lay and gathered her thoughts she even thought she felt good.

Her mind wandered to what the appointment was for but she tried to push the thoughts down; there was no use in worrying, she’d be with Joanna and Mary and in a perfectly safe place. Still… she fingered the scars on her shoulder gingerly and the tenderness made her remember her tablets. 

“You need to eat first Zoe.” she told herself, “Eat and have a shower and then…” Wait for Mary, the voice inside her head spoke. 

After eating she showered and then as she felt at something of a loose end and had a few hours to kill she decided to finally go and have a look in the communal shed at her old bicycle. She expected it to have flat tyres and possibly need oiling but with the good weather coming up she had the idea that an occasional ride might be good for her. Wasn’t exercise supposed to release endorphins that made a person feel good? It was worth a try at least. 

The shed was dark and smelt musty so she left the door open while her eyes accustomed to the gloom. Her bike was still locked and where she had left it so after unlocking it she wheeled it outside. As she had expected it did have two flat tyres but her foot pump would make short work of that. It was in the shed still as well and after using it she tested the brakes. They were also working. She wasn’t dressed for cycling so after checking the wheel stays she pushed it back into the shed and relocked it. She smiled. A short ride to the local bike shop where she could book it in for a service and perhaps she’d be able to ride again.

She wandered back into her flat and looked up the number of the bike shop before writing it down on a jotter pad. She’d call them when her next sickness cheque from work had been banked and see about getting it checked and made roadworthy.

After checking her watch she sat quietly and tried to compose herself before Mary would be calling on her. In what felt like no time at all she heard Mary’s smart knock on her door. She sighed and tried to control her breathing; it really was a case if now or never. Standing up she adjusted her clothing and ran her fingers through her hair before opening the door to Mary. 

“Oh hello pet, are you ready? “

“I think so.”

“Well can I just pop these in your fridge before we go? They’re for our dinner later.”

“Yes please do.”

When Mary was finished they left together and walked the short distance to Zoe’s therapist. Once she had registered herself they then sat down and waited to be called. It was quiet in the waiting room which Zoe was very grateful for. The same doctor that had caught Zoe’s eye for a moment the last time she had been there was just finishing up for the day and sharing a joke with the receptionist. When they had finished up the receptionist spoke a little louder, 

“Are you in tomorrow?”

“No I’m at the hospital tomorrow but I’ll be in again next week.”

“Ok John, have a good weekend.”

“You too.” and as he turned to go Zoe got another look at his face. He really was rather pretty and he flashed her a lopsided smile before pulling his rucksack onto his back and leaving the surgery for the day. Moments later Zoe was called by Dr Smith. Mary turned to her and asked, 

“Are you ready?”

“No but I don’t think that’s going to wash with Dr Smith do you?”

Mary shook her head, stood up and extended her hand to Zoe, 

“Come on pet, I’ll be there with you.”

Looking up Zoe nodded and gave Mary her hand before standing up and walking into the consulting room with Mary. As they entered the room Dr Smith smiled warmly at the two women and closed the door behind them. After a few pleasantries and satisfying herself that Mary would be able to stay with Zoe for as long as was necessary after the hypnotism session she asked Zoe to make herself comfortable on the consulting couch.

Dr Smith spoke again,

“Alright Zoe, to start off with I am going to take you back to a time when you felt safe, loved and happy. Are you ready to begin?”

Zoe spoke quietly as she gripped Mary’s hand for comfort and support, 

“Yes, I am.”

Chapter 6

“Ok, during this I’d like you to call me Joanna and if you ever want to stop just ask me to and I will.”

“Will I have enough consciousness to do that?” Zoe asked.

“Yes. You’ll be aware. Just listen to my voice and let me guide you. Trust me.”

“Yes… Joanna, I do trust you.”

“And you’re comfortable?”

Zoe nodded, “Yes.”

In just a few more minutes Joanna had taken Zoe back to a time when she was a small child. The voice that answered Joanna’s questions even sounded young and childlike and when she asked where she was Mary understood why.

“I’m playing with my Daddy.” was the childlike response.

“Where’s Mummy?”

“She’s watching, she’s laughing at Daddy. I like it when Mummy and Daddy laugh.”

“What are you playing?”

“Tickle fight and I’m winning!”

“I want you to move away from that now Zoe.”

“Awww!”

“Move along a little, how old are you now Zoe?”

“Eleven.”

“Are you happy?”

“Yes, Mum and I are getting my school uniform for my new school. It’s very hot in the shop and my blazer is too big. She says I’ll grow into it and I have to model it for Daddy later.”

“I’m going to move you forwards a little more now. I want you to try and remember the time when you weren’t happy. The time before you moved house and changed school. Can you remember that for me Zoe?”

Zoe’s face creased as she concentrated and tried to access the memory that had been hidden for so long. 

“It’s hard.”

“I know it’s hard but can you try harder for me Zoe. It’s important.”

Zoe was silent for several long minutes and Mary looked questioningly at the doctor who shook her head almost imperceptibly and waited for Zoe to speak. When at last Zoe took a deep shuddering breath Joanne probed again, 

“What are you remembering Zoe?”

“Pain. It hurts.”

“What hurts Zoe?”

“My shoulder. I’m in hospital. Mummy is crying… so is Daddy.”

“Move away from that place Zoe. Go back just a little bit to earlier in that day. What were you doing?”

“I’m in the park.”

“Who are you with?”

“Just my friends.”

“Who?”

“Ruth, Claire, Michelle, Debbie and Terri.”

“What are you all doing?”

“Just messing about in the adventure playground; there’s a zip wire and we’re playing on it.”

“What happened after that?”

“It’s getting dark so we’re all going off home now. Ruth and Debbie need to get the bus and the rest of us are walking home.”

Zoe frowned.

“Are you still with your friends Zoe?”

“No they’ve gone now. I’m nearly home. I just need to go through the Spinney and then down the hill to home.”

“You don’t get there do you Zoe?”

“No.”

“Can you tell me why?”

“There’s a man. He’s in the bushes. He’s staring at me. I’m going to run!”

Zoe’s breathing became laboured and her face contorted in pain as she jerked on the couch. She pulled her hand away from Mary and it was only when Dr Smith’s commanding voice cut through her panic that she began to calm down.

“You’re safe Zoe. He’s not here, you’re just telling me what happened… what he did to you. Can you tell me that?”

Zoe’s breathing slowed to a steadier pace and slowly she began to talk, 

“He’s running after me. I’m not fast enough. He’s caught me.”

“Zoe listen to me. Zoe he’s not there. You’re safe.”

“Yes. You’re right. He caught me. He… hurt me.”

“What did he do Zoe?”

“He pulled my jeans down and my knickers and he… he. Ohhh, he hurt me Joanna!”

“We know that. He raped you. What did he do after he had hurt you Zoe?”

“He stood up and he laughed at me. He’s got a gun. I’m begging him. I’m telling him I won’t tell but….”

“Zoe listen to me. You’re safe. He isn’t here. Do you recognise him?”

“No. But he’s dirty. Joanna!”

“Zoe what did he do?”

“He’s waving the gun around. Joanna I’m scared. He’s aiming it at me. He’s shot me! Joanna it hurts… and then he just looks at me and runs away.”

“What happens next Zoe?”

“I’m not sure. I am trying to get up but I can’t. I think I’m going to die. It hurts and I’m bleeding. Oh I think I’m going to faint… Joanna!”

Zoe’s head lolled sideways on the couch and Mary re-gripped her hand and looked at Joanna with her eyes wide. Joanna spoke firmly,

“Zoe, listen to me. You’re safe. I want you to wake up when I tell you to. I’m going to count to three and when I say wake up you are going to wake up feeling relaxed and safe. Zoe you’re going to remember what you’ve told me but you’re going to know that it happened in the past and know that you are safe now. I’m going to count now; one, two, three… wake up Zoe, wake up.”


	4. Chapters Seven and Eight

Chapter 7

Zoe sighed before rolling her head and blinking open her eyes. 

“Hey, how do you feel?”

“A little tired actually.”

“Do you remember what you told me… us, she nodded towards Mary who was again holding Zoe’s hand.”

“Yes.”

“And how does that feel?”

“I don’t know. I knew it anyway but remembering it. I don’t know; it feels strange.”

“But not too much?”

“I don’t think so no.”

“Are you in any pain? You thrashed about a little there once or twice.”

Zoe looked embarrassed before replying, 

“Did I? I’m sorry. That must have looked a bit silly.”

“Not at all you were remembering traumatic things. So no pain?”

“No, nothing more than usual anyway.”

“And you are still taking the tablets I gave you?”

“Yes I am. They’re reminding me to eat as well.”

“Good, well unless you want to ask me anything then you’re free to go.”

Mary spoke next, 

“Just before we go, what can I expect? Should I look out for anything specific?”

“That’s a good question. Zoe may feel quite tired and want to sleep but she should eat first.”

“I was going to cook us some supper to share.”

“That sounds ideal. She might get a little upset too but for now she seems fine.”

“I am. Really. Thank you both of you. We should go home now.” but when she sat up and attempted to swing her legs over the edge of the couch she was hit by a wave of dizziness. “Ohhh. Dizzy.” Dr Smith was on her feet in an instant and by Zoe’s side, 

“It’s because you’ve been lying down for a while. Just breathe deeply and it will pass.”

When it had Zoe stood up and collected her bag before looking expectantly at Mary but it was Joanna who spoke next, 

“Are you sure you feel alright?”

“Yes I’m sure.”

“I’ll make you a follow up appointment and call you tomorrow about it.”

Zoe nodded, “Ok.”

When they’d left and were walking home Mary kept stealing sideways glances at her and eventually Zoe stopped and said, 

“I am Ok you know.”

“Really?”

“Well mostly yes. I mean I already knew what he had done to me.”

“But you didn’t remember it and now you do.”

“Can we talk about it when we get back; there are too many people here?”

Mary looked around her and silently noted that they were all but alone but nodded her agreement and the two women walked back to their shared block. Once inside Mary suggested Zoe have a sit down while she made her a coffee and then dinner. As she was still feeling tired Zoe agreed to that plan and gratefully accepted the hot mug from Mary a few minutes later.

“Dinner won’t be long all I really have to do is reheat it.”

“What is it?”

“Just a shepherd’s pie.”

“Mmm, I like that. Mum used to make it for us at home but it always seems a waste to make a whole one just for me.”

“It’s not a waste pet. Make a big one and freeze what’s left into portions for when you don’t feel like cooking.”

“If I don’t feel like cooking I just don’t eat.”

“And it shows, if you don’t mind my saying so. You’ve got very thin again Zoe.”

“Mmm.”

“Don’t mmm me! You must look after yourself!” Zoe was saved from further discussion when the buzzer on her microwave sounded indicating that their meal was ready. After serving two hearty portions Mary carried them through and they sat together to eat. Zoe was unable to finish hers but Mary wouldn’t hear of throwing the left overs out so they were put in a covered container and placed in the fridge.

“You can have that for your lunch tomorrow.”

“I don’t often eat lunch.”

“Oh you should. It keeps you’re energy up for the afternoon. That might be why you felt dizzy.”

“Hmm, maybe. I just need to take my tablet for my shoulder. I won’t be a minute.”

When she returned Mary asked her, 

“How does it feel?”

 

“My shoulder? It’s ok but Dr Smith says there is some inflammation in it so she gave me some tablets to take for a couple of weeks.”

“And how do you feel about what you remembered today?” asked Mary quietly.

Zoe sighed before seating herself beside Mary.

“I actually don’t know. I feel as if everyone is expecting me to fall apart over this but I’ve known what happened for a very long time. I just didn’t remember it.”

“And now you do.”

“Yes I suppose so but it doesn’t really change anything does it?”

“That’s not for me to say. But I do want you to promise me that if it makes you feel different at any time to tell me.”

“I will.”

“No I mean I want you to promise me Zoe.”

“I will. I promise.”

“Really?”

“Really really and now if it’s not too rude I really really want to sleep. I just feel so tired, wrung out even.”

“It’s not rude pet. It’s the truth. You do look tired but if you wake up in the night and want to talk to someone just call me. I promise I won’t mind being woken up.”

“Ok.” Zoe stifled a yawn and Mary laughed at her. 

“Go on get yourself ready for bed. I’ll see myself out.”

And she did, leaving Zoe by herself.

Chapter 8

Zoe was true to her word and had a quick shower before dressing in her pyjamas and climbing into her bed. She didn’t take long to fall asleep but her dreams were very troubled. More than once she woke up in a panic and once she even contemplated calling Mary but what could she do? 

Despite the fact that this was all in her past she felt as if it had just happened. She knew she was safe but that didn’t stop that man’s face swimming before hers every time she closed her eyes.

Eventually she gave up on sleep and decided to take her bike out of the shed and pump the tyres up and see if she could ride it to the shop. If that proved impossible she’d wheel it and then walk back possibly even buying herself a coffee on the way back. She was trying to treat herself well as both Dr Smith and Mary wanted her too. What did they say? Be kind to yourself. Well that would be a start at least.

After dressing she slipped on some pumps and went down to the shed. It was still quite early but one or two people were up and walking dogs and they nodded to her. Idly she thought that having a dog might be nice too, something to protect her, but she quickly dismissed the idea; animals were expensive and she was barely taking care of herself. 

A bike next to hers had a pump attached to it and a little guiltily she took it out of its bracket and started to try and force air into her bikes tyres. The front one took air well but the rear seemed punctured as no matter how hard she used the pump the tyre refused to inflate. 

Sighing she replaced the pump into its bracket and checked her watch. The shop wouldn’t be open yet and as the exercise had made her feel hungry she went back indoors for some toast before making her way to the shop on foot.

She’d forgotten to check what time the shop opened and when she arrived it was still all locked up. After asking in the adjacent units she was told it opened at 10am which was half an hour away. As it was a nice sunny morning she wheeled her bike to a nearby bench and sat down in the sunshine to wait. It was nice people watching and because she was very still and quiet a sparrow landed on the bench next to her and strutted around before suddenly flying off into the branches of a tree that was offering them both shade. 

As she looked up Zoe saw why the bird had flown off, a small car was being parked outside of the shop and a tall, older gentleman got out of the car and began opening up the shop. Once he was inside she waited for a few minutes to give him time to get sorted before moving towards the shop. 

He had a loud voice that made Zoe jump. He was friendly but booming and a little brash. She was the first customer of the day and after looking over her bike he said he could have it in good working order by the end of business the next day. She mumbled something about price and when he gave her a figure she began to shake her head. He immediately softened and offered for her to pay the already small sum off in instalments.

“Um.. yes I’m not working at the moment so that would help.”

“Give me what you can tomorrow and we’ll work out a plan for afterwards if you like.”

“And you’ll keep the bike until I’m done paying for the repairs?”

The man smiled kindly, “No, you can take her home with you tomorrow. You look like an honest lady.”

For the first time Zoe looked up and smiled before replying, 

“Thank you. What time do you close tomorrow?”

“Around 5pm, it’ll be ready by then for you and you can ride her home.”

“I haven’t ridden in a long time.”

“It’ll come back to you… it’s like….”

“Riding a bike?”

“Yes, that’s it.” he replied with a small laugh.

Zoe turned to leave and all but bumped into a man she’d seen at her GP surgery. He had a pushbike by his side that also had a rear flat tyre.

“Snap.” he said softly.

“Snap?”

“Rear puncture and as it needs a service I was lazy and here I am.”

“Oh.”

“Do you ride often?”

“Not now but I used to. I really should be going.”

“Would you wait a minute? Fancy a coffee?” he asked with a smile.

Zoe’s stomach flipped, he was just as she remembered him from the glimpse at the surgery… slim and attractive with a friendly face and kind eyes and when he had smiled his eyes lit up and before she had had time to think she found herself nodding her agreement.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Nine

What seemed like seconds later she found herself leaving the shop with this man that she didn’t even know the name of. Chiding herself quietly she was surprised when he asked,

“Pardon?”

Just great! She thought she’d been talking in her head!

“Um nothing…. Well it’s just that I don’t even know your name.”

“Oh it’s John.”

She looked at him sideways…

“Really?”

“Yes, John Smith actually.”

“Well that can’t be true.”

“Honestly it is and it causes no end of trouble at work because I’m Dr John Smith and there is a Dr….”

“Joanna Smith at the surgery.”

“Yes, how did you know?”

“She’s my doctor.”

“I thought I’d seen you somewhere before.”

“Mmmm.”

“And your name is?”

“Perhaps we should just stop this now.”

“Stop what? Why?”

“The less you know about me the better. “

“You do know I couldn’t look you up even if I wanted to don’t you. We have ethics you know?”

Zoe nodded, “I know that but I see rather more of my doctor than most people.”

“I don’t care about that. I just thought I’d seen you somewhere before and thought we could get a coffee together… what’s the harm in that?”

“You don’t even know my name.”

“It’s not Smith is it?” he asked with a lopsided grin that made Zoe melt just a little bit.

“No it’s Zoe.”

“Zoe what?”

“That’s close actually, Zoe Watkin.”

John extended his hand and said, 

“Pleased to meet you Zoe Watkin, now then coffee?”

Despite her misgivings Zoe nodded, there were plenty of people around and surely no harm could come from one coffee.

“I prefer Costa, do you mind if we go there?” she asked tentatively.

“Not at all. It’s a favourite of mine too.”

They walked together but apart as Zoe was still wary and John sensing her innate anxiety kept a comfortable distance from her and held the door open of the shop before following her inside. When she produced her purse he shook his head and said, 

“No I asked you.” 

“But I was going to get a coffee anyway.”

“Please let me and how about we share a muffin too? Blueberry?”

Zoe really didn’t know what to say so she put her purse away and let him order his drink, when he turned to her she asked for a medium Americano before suggesting that she find a table for them to sit at.

The table she chose was at the back and in the corner, as far away from anyone else as she could be and it took a second for John to spot her. He set her drink down and before seating himself opposite her he cut the muffin into quarters and offered her the first piece.

“This is a well hidden table.”

“I suppose it is but I don’t like to be too close to other people.”

“Does that include me?”

“I don’t know you.”

“You don’t know anyone else here though do you?”

Zoe looked around the shop before shaking her head, 

“No, but you know what I mean.”

“I think so, but tell me if you assume everyone to be bad news how will you ever find someone who is good news?”

“Like you you mean?”

“Yes like me. Listen I heard the guy in the bike shop tell you your bike would be ready before closing time tomorrow well so will mine be, how about we pick the bikes up together and then go for a short ride together?”

When Zoe didn’t reply John tried again, 

“You could ask Dr Smith about me.”

“I could ask Dr Smith about Dr Smith? Are you brother and sister by the way?”

“No we’re not! But yes you could ask her about me, why not?”

Zoe debated for a few minutes; he was gorgeous, she had seen him at the clinic and knew he worked there and he seemed interested in her in a nice and friendly way.

“A bike ride?”

“Yes I have to get my bike home and I assume you do too, so why not?”

“I haven’t ridden for a while.”

“We’ll take it slowly then.”

Zoe made a decision, 

“Yes ok.”

“Really?”

“Yes really.”

“Do you want to swap numbers just in case one of us can’t make it?”

“Oh. Might you not come?” the old seed of doubt was back, was he just playing with her?

“I’m a doctor Zoe, I work at the hospital as well as the clinic, and sometimes I’m called in unexpectedly. I should be free tomorrow afternoon as I’m roistered off but sometimes things can change at short notice.”

As he spoke Zoe had been thinking. He had told the man at the shop he’d be there. He had no reason to lie to him… or to her. He was right too; how could she ever find a good person if she assumed they were all bad?

“Yes OK, we can swap numbers.”

That done and their coffees and the muffin gone they rose to leave. Zoe had turned to leave immediately but John had caught her hand to stop her when she flinched he let her go saying, 

“I’m sorry I just wanted to say goodbye properly, may I kiss your cheek?”

Zoe nodded dumbly and when he had brushed her cheek with his lips she whispered, “Goodbye.” before hurrying away. 

John stood still and watched her until she rounded the corner. He had hoped she would look back but she hadn’t and he wasn’t surprised. He was intrigued by her. She alternated between a frightened rabbit caught in the headlights and someone who would agree to his suggestions. He wasn’t a fool; he had ‘seen’ her thinking… There was nothing to be done about it, he certainly wasn’t going to abuse his position he’d have to find out about her by the conventional route, he’d do his best to get to know her, be her friend.

Chapter Ten

At the allotted time the next day Zoe was leaving her flat. She’d put on some skinny jeans and a close fitting t shirt. On her feet she wore a pair of red converse trainers that she hoped she’d be able to pedal in. She was quite excited and she even thought she had enough in her purse to cover the repairs and as she left she slung her bag across her shoulders and in front of her body.

Her sleep had been interrupted again but she’d been able to talk herself down and had been able to go back to sleep which was something she had always found difficult before.

At a quarter to five she rounded the corner that led to the shop and froze. John was already there; he had his back to her and was talking to a woman that he bent down to kiss on the cheek as she left him. He’d done exactly that to her yesterday. 

Zoe had been about to scurry away when he turned to look behind him and straight at her. He smiled and waved and Zoe felt compelled to walk towards him.

“Hello there,” he said, “Right on time I see.”

“Yes.” she replied quietly.

“Are you alright?”

“Yes I’m fine.” she wasn’t. All she could think about was the woman he’d kissed. She hadn’t even seen her face properly but all she could think was that he had kissed her in the same way.

“Ok, well let’s go and get our steads then.” 

Zoe nodded and he led the way into the shop. Both bikes were ready and waiting to be collected. John paid for his first and when Zoe found herself a couple of pounds short he swiftly came to her rescue and paid the difference. Zoe didn’t know whether to be grateful or annoyed but what she did immediately feel was embarrassed.

“Th Thank you.” she stammered. “I’ll pay you back as soon as I can.”

“No you won’t it’s only a couple of quid and you’re not working at the moment so let me do that for you.”

“How do you know I’m not working?” she asked sharply.

“You said so yesterday in the shop. You told him you might have to wait until your next giro.”

“Were you eavesdropping on me?”

“No I just heard you. Are you sure you’re alright you seem awfully jumpy.”

“I’m fine. Where shall we go to test these bikes then?”

“I thought we might go along the tow path, is that too far from where you live?”

“No that’s fine I can use one of the bridges to get home.”

“Come on then.” and he pedalled off leaving her to follow him.

She contemplated just pedalling home in the other direction but he had just helped to pay for her bike repair so she hopped on and followed at some distance behind him. A short way along he stopped and waited for her to catch him up. 

“How does she feel?”

“Pardon?”

“Your bike, how does she feel?”

“Why are bikes shes now?”

“I’ve always called my bikes shes and cars and a friend with a boat calls that a she too. You don’t?”

“I’ve never thought about it.”

“Ok well how is it? A good ride?”

“It’s Ok thanks. Yours?”

“Really good actually. Feels like a new machine. And seriously what is wrong?”

“Why does something have to be wrong?”

“You just seem quiet that’s all.”

“And sometimes I’m quiet.”

“Ok, ready for some more?”

“Yes and I’ll try and keep up this time.”

“Shout if I’m going too fast.”

He wasn’t, it was just she hadn’t wanted to get to close to him but that had produced inevitable questions so she decided to follow more closely until she got to the bridge she’d need to use to get home. When they got there she called out, 

“This is my bridge, I live in that block there.”

“Ok then, when can I see you again?”

“Soon, I need to give you that money.”

“You really don’t you know.”

“Yes I do. Can I give you a call after my cheque comes in maybe I can treat you to a coffee as well.”

“That would be lovely. I’ll look forward to it.”

“And me. Until then then.”

“Ride safely.”

“I will and you too.”

He watched her as she made her way across the bridge and as soon as she knew she’d be out of sight she stopped and turned to watch him leave. He seemed nice, really nice which is why she knew she wouldn’t ever be calling him.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Eleven

That would mean never giving him his money back either but she’d put that in an envelope with his name on and leave it somewhere prominent so it would be found.

She knew her thoughts had turned in on herself but what else could she do?

He was nice. Really nice. Too nice to spoil with her sordid past. And that was just it. The ones she could tell; the other sordid dirty people were the ones she’d always tried to avoid but now that she’d met someone clean, wholesome and everything she wasn’t it just amplified what her head had always told her. She was worthless, soiled and spoiled and no one was ever going to want to bother with her when they found out the truth.

When she got home she propped her bike against the wall of her hallway and checked when her next benefit payment was due. She worked out that she’d be able to cover her rent and put John’s money aside and still have enough money left over for what she now knew she had to do.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nothing in the coming days changed how she was feeling and after cashing her cheque she visited several different shops in town and picked up what she needed. No one questioned her. She was careful to buy small quantities that would not raise suspicion or generate any questions.

As she walked home she mused on what would happen if she’d failed to pay her rent. Would someone on the streets have saved her the trouble and done a proper job of it at the second attempt?

It didn’t matter now. None of that mattered any more. What did matter was who might find her. It would like as not be Mary and she didn’t want to put her through anything more than was absolutely necessary.

She fingered the envelope that she had left for John. His name was written in a bold and determined hand and she added a line under it to show to whoever found it that she was ready. 

Zoe had decided to bathe and to dress herself in some pyjamas that would keep her decent. She brushed her teeth and combed her hair out before looking at herself hard in the mirror. She looked tired but that wouldn’t matter anymore; nothing would ever matter ever again.

She wandered through her flat until she found herself standing in front of her fridge, 

“Best to do this while you’re feeling brave.” she said to her reflection in the glossy finish and tugged open the fridge door. She took put the bottle of white she’d selected… a expensive one. Why not? She may as well go out with something that tasted good. After selecting a glass she picked up her handbag and carried the lot through to her bedroom. She’d already dressed the bed with fresh linen and as she climbed into she shivered at their coolness.

Again that wouldn’t matter soon. 

She poured herself a glass and took a gulp at it. It was as good as the price label had suggested. Without thinking she opened the first blister pack and pushed out all of the tablets. She did that with all of the packs she had until she had a small pile sitting on the bedclothes in front of her. Was it enough? 

She downed the glass in one. A waste she knew but she didn’t want her courage to fail her at the critical moment. She poured a second glass and began methodically placing tablets in her mouth before swallowing them with gulps of the wine. When the second glass was empty she refilled it and continued until all the tablets were gone.

With her head starting to feel a little woozy from the effects of the wine she quickly poured the remainder of the bottle and resolved to enjoy this last glass… sipping at it until she felt her limbs grow heavy and her eyes closing. 

The glass was empty and it slipped from her grasp as her consciousness began to recede. She wasn’t thinking, nothing mattered. Sleep and then oblivion was all that she hoped for.

Chapter Twelve

Zoe felt heavy. Crushing tiredness overwhelmed her and she didn’t have the energy to protest when she felt a warm sponge rubbing at her skin. The voice she heard was kind and soothing and she let the darkness claim her once more.

Several days passed in this way and more than once she felt a hand holding hers. Again the necessary energy to pull away or even open her eyes eluded her. She was aware of a feeling of violation. She felt bruised and battered and briefly she wondered if the hand was her Mother’s. Was she a child again and in hospital recovering from the attempt on her life?

Too difficult to think about. No energy. 

Only on the fourth day did she remember what she had done and with a superhuman effort she forced her eyelids apart and scanned where she was. 

A room. A room with a bed in it. She was in the bed. A chair was on her left and someone was sleeping in it. She squinted but couldn’t make out who it was or even if they were a man or a woman. Realising that she didn’t have her glasses on she fumbled for them on the bedclothes and was shocked when a buzzer sounded. She shrank as the noise woke the person in the chair and squeezed her eyes shut as the door to the room opened and someone else entered the room.

“John did you…?”

But he interrupted with, 

“No, I was asleep. It must have been Zoe.”

The nurse addressed Zoe, 

“Zoe, Zoe can you hear me.”

Inside Zoe’s head a voice was screaming, ‘No! Go away! Leave me alone!’ but the nurse was too clever to be fooled by her tightly closed lids and when she realised that Zoe was terrified she softened her tone, 

“Zoe, it’s alright. I know you can hear me. What did you want? Your glasses perhaps?”

Zoe recognised the same soothing voice of the person with the sponge and slowly forced herself to open her eyes and whisper the word, 

“Yes.”

As she spoke John propelled himself forwards and grabbed at her hand. 

“Steady John.” the nurse admonished, “Take this slowly.”

“Yes, yes of course, I’m sorry, it’s just….”

“I know. You’ve not had your professional head on since the day Zoe arrived with us. Shh and let me do my job.”

As she handed Zoe her glasses and helped her to put them on she asked her, 

“Is there anything else I can get you, a drink?”

Zoe nodded gratefully as she blinked in her surroundings. The back of her hand was sore and she looked to see a cannula firmly embedded in it, she followed the line to a stand holding a bag that was slowly dripping something into her body. The water burned her dry throat and she gagged. The nurse pulled the covered mug away saying, “Slowly or you’ll be sick again.” Zoe sipped again but the liquid still smarted and she rasped,

“Sore.” 

“Yes, you will be, but it will ease quickly now.” When she spoke again it was to John, 

“Can I leave you with her? I need to let her consultant know that she’s back with us.”

John nodded and the still unnamed woman left the room. He offered her more water and slowly she sipped again.

“Is that better?” he asked quietly.

“It burns.”

“Your throat is damaged from… well from before.”

“Why am I here?”

“To get better.”

“No. Why am I here?”

“Oh you mean why are you alive? So you remember?”

Zoe looked down and whispered, 

“Yes.”

“What were you thinking?”

“Isn’t that obvious? What went wrong?”

John sighed, he knew there was no point in trying to keep anything from her. 

“You were sick, very sick. The doctor’s say that’s why you’re here but Mary has a lot to do with that too.”

“Mary? Mary from upstairs?”

“Yes, she heard you being sick, she practically battered your door down and dialled 999.”

“Who knows?”

“Who knows what?”

“That I’m here?”

“Your family, Mary, your doctor and me.”

“Who’s been here?”

“Mary, Joanna, I mean your doctor and me.”

“Not Mum and Dad?”

“Not yet but I’m sure they will be now that you’re awake again.”

“I doubt it. I was sick?”

“Yes.”

“Poor Mary.”

“Pardon?”

“I was careful. I’d washed, clean pyjamas, clean bedding and a clean flat.”

“So you thought she’d find you?”

“Most likely.”

“Why Zoe?”

“Because she’s my neighbour.”

“No why did you do it?”

“I want to die.”

It was said in a matter of fact way. No preamble, not a cry for help, simply a statement of fact.

“But why?”

“Complicated.”

“Nothing can be that complicated. Joanna told me………”

“Joanna told you what?” Zoe asked icily.

John held his hands up placatingly, 

“Just that you were…. damaged.”

Zoe sighed, “It’s a story I hoped to never have to repeat.”

“I think the time for hiding has long gone.”

“Why do you even care?” 

John shrugged, 

“You look as if you need a friend.” 

Zoe’s face creased as if she were about to cry and John not wishing to cause her any more pain tried to lighten the mood by adding, 

“And I you still need to buy me a coffee.”


End file.
